


From me, Koutarou

by carmspace



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Firsts, Fluff and Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, This is actually sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25934479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carmspace/pseuds/carmspace
Summary: In which Bokuto has to leave for months because of his work and he decides to write a letter for the love of his life, reassuming their relationship in a very sweet way.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Kudos: 14
Collections: Bokuaka Week 2020





	From me, Koutarou

**Author's Note:**

> BokuAka Week day 3: Firsts
> 
> Also, I'm sorry if there are some grammar mistakes! I hope everyone will like the story, and thanks for reading!

It was hot today, you could hardly breathe. The only consolation was a cold shower which, however, only helped for an hour before the sweat began to slip slowly down the skin. You hate this time of year like few things in the world and I know it; I used to watch you stand still for a few seconds after you stood up because your low blood pressure prevents you from walking right away. You say you've gotten used to it by now, but I know it really bothers you and you can't wait for that little moment to end. It's just one of the many reasons why you don't like the heat at all, and I know them all.

Just for one reason you still appreciate it, a memory that, I know, you'll carry with you for the rest of your life. I gave you your first kiss on a day like today, and our first time was also in summer – but it was night and we were close to the sea so the temperatures were not as high as during the day. You are bound to this season because some of your best memories with me happened there, and a person like you can't ignore such a thing. I know you, Akaashi, like the palm of my hand, though I often tend not to show it. Don't you think it's absurd that everyone thinks of me as a fool? You're not the only one in the couple to analyze the other. You know, I care about you, and I spend myself to make you feel good: I've learned to understand when to intervene to help you when you need it most.

I'm writing you this letter with a fan on and staring at me, because after all, I suffer a bit from high temperatures too – except when we're in bed, let's be clear: I love them there. I'm writing it, the first one in my life, just to leave you something of me when I'm away with the team. I know it's not something that you expect from me and you'll be very surprised, but I hope this way I can still show you how much I care about you in a special way; and remember to tell me how it goes at work. I know you're sad because you can't come with me, but you don't have to worry: I know you're there even if I don't see you near, because deep down I always have you in my heart.

These days I've been thinking about our whole relationship. You know, the years of high school and even the last years we spent together; I realized I couldn't find a moment when I was really bored with you. What I'm trying to say is that you're a really interesting person, Akaashi – please appreciate the language and let me know if the words are used in the right way. I'm refraining from putting in a lot of drawn hearts just because I wish these papers were serious and that you could read them without being bothered by some meaningless scribbles. I know you don't mind, but this time I am the one who really cares: I want to write something beautiful like you usually do, something that surprises you and makes you smile. This sounds kind of like a statement, and it actually sounds a lot like one.

Anyway, I was saying, I was thinking about our story. I remember the first time I saw you I immediately thought you were interesting, a rare person you don't meet every day. You always told me I was the only one who thought it, but instead I tell you that all our friends thought the same thing that day. It's really easy for me to make friends, you know, and right away something snapped between us: the team captain had a huge crush on the newcomer. It's a bit cliché when I think about it, but my feelings were reciprocated and so I didn't complain about it: it was enough for me to be happy with you, and that's enough for me now. We're older, yes, but Keiji, I still love you as I did the first time I looked into your eyes to tell you, and this is something that, I assure you, will never change. You're my person, the only one I want to be with for the rest of my life and who will make it important and memorable.

I'm feeling a little corny. What do you think? I think it's good for a love letter full of first times and feelings. I hope you like it, even though it's so much fun.

Right now you sleep quietly in our room, I'm in the kitchen so as not to disturb you; thinking that in a few hours I'll be saying goodbye to you for so long makes me sad and for this reason I can't help remember everything we lived together: the afternoons we spent studying, training until late, the national teams and many other things I remember perfectly. Sometimes I wonder why out of all the people who surely had their eyes on your figure you chose me, you know: you could have had anyone, yet you decided that I was the most suitable one. I felt lucky and still that emotion is there, the same emotion that gives me the victory of an important and maybe even bigger game. The adrenaline from a game fades away, that feeling of euphoria that comes when I think of us seems to never end, kind of like magic in a fairy tale.

Anyway, cutting a little bit to avoid getting too boring, do you remember the first time we kissed? I do, very well. I asked you out with a courage that even I wouldn't have expected, and you said yes after looking at me for a couple of minutes in total silence, as if you needed time to figure out if I really said those six words - "do you want to go out?" - or not. They were some of the longest minutes ever, I really mean it: I was afraid of rejection, even if it would have been given with kindness by you. I didn't know what I would do if you said no, but luckily you accepted so I didn't worry about it for long. Admit it, Akaashi, that our first date was really badly arranged and you really wanted to get your hands in your hair. The cinema was closed that day of the week and I forgot to make a reservation at the restaurant, so we had to go to a small place to drink orangeade and talk about this and that, pretending that was the original plan of the evening. I was trying to make you laugh and at the same time understand if you felt comfortable, and if I have to be honest even now I could describe that little smile on your face that conveyed all your calm and happiness of the moment – I didn't know it at the time, but it's really hard for you to open up to people when you get to know them. It wasn't the first time you smiled at me, but at that moment we were alone and I was sure it was because of me.

Maybe I fell in love at that moment. I looked at your light-skinned face which was set with two gems of uncertain but particular color between green and blue, I looked at the thin line of your nose and I realized that you were the most beautiful person I had ever seen. As you would say, the only blooming flower I cared about in a lush field, or the brightest yet mysterious star ever. You were like a magnet, and I couldn't help but be next to you. I fell in love in a few months with someone I didn't even know before, and I was sure that in the future I couldn't stay without you.

So it is, in fact. I just can't think of myself without you, and I'd like you to remember that during this time we're going to spend apart. If you ever have any doubts about me, what I'm thinking, what I'm doing, remember that you're always in my mind as if you were running it. Since that night at the club, you have always been my engine, the one for whom I moved and who I wanted to stay close to. I wanted you to have all the support I could and I told myself on the night of our first date that I would do my best to make you happy in some way.

When we left the club, we went home, remember? It was after midnight, we'd talked so much without even realizing it. We walked close together, and I was embarrassed: I wanted to hold your hand, but I didn't know if you'd agree, so I just grazed it. It was you who held mine by twisting our fingers, and I was so happy that I could start dancing right then in the middle of the street under the eyes of passers-by – our city never sleeps, so many people still had to go home. Our hands stayed together the whole way and my heart was beating fast in my chest; I was the happiest person in the world and, although it may seem trivial to you, I felt that at that moment, with you next to me, I could do anything. Even on the subway we never parted, and you tenderly leaned your head on my shoulder, evidently tired from the day—I even gave you a light kiss in the hair, while I slowly stroked the back of your hand with my thumb. We remained silent, each one lost in his own thoughts, without it being embarrassing: it was enough for us we were together and somehow we would feel good.

I don't remember very well just the journey from the subway to your house. I had accompanied you even if in that way I had to walk longer to come back, but I didn't want to stop being near you. We were walking slowly, almost as if we didn't want to put an end to that evening, and when we stopped we stood still for a few seconds. I probably said something like "See you", and you nodded, but actually our faces were slowly getting closer and closer. We looked at each other for a few seconds, and I smiled at you before I finally kissed you. I remember that the grip of our hands became stronger every second, while with the other one I had free I caressed your face. It was very sweet, wasn't it? Even now when I think about it I can feel the chills all over my body and the palpitations; the memory of that kiss is still so vivid in my mind that I feel all the sensations of that moment, like the warmth of our hands together or the caresses in my hair. For months I thought that I would have liked to have a photograph of that moment, but thinking about it I realized I didn't even need it: the most important things, the security you transmitted to me, the love I received, that feeling of completeness I felt, everything was and still is enclosed within me.

When we parted, you blushed at least as much as I did and leaned your forehead against my shoulder. At that moment I added to my plan to make you happy and to always protect you. I'm trying to do that, Keiji, and I hope I'm succeeding.

I don't think I've ever told you these things openly. I'm not very good with words and I don't even know whether or not this letter is well written, but I hope you know that everything I'm trying to tell you is true, Keiji. You are my half and nothing in the world will change that. You have my heart in your hands and you can do what you want with it, the only thing that will never change is my love for you. Really, I don't think I've ever been as sappy as I am now, but it's one of the effects you have on me. You've changed all my cards just by sitting at the table, and suddenly the victory I thought I had in my hand became a defeat.

I lost to you, Keiji. And in truth I'm not even sad, because thanks to this now I have you by my side every day; it's a false defeat and I'm glad it happened. You know, I think a life without love is a bit absurd; maybe if you hadn't come into my life I wouldn't have realized it, but now that I have you by my side I don't think I could do without it. I think that few things would still make sense, even that the Earth revolves around the Sun: this is because you are mine personal Sun, and if you disappeared then I would feel lost.

Right now I have so many songs in my mind that I'd like you to listen to. I probably won't sleep tonight, I can do it tomorrow by plane, so after I finish the letter I'll make you a playlist and I'll put them all in, so you can listen to it when you go to work in your car.

_It was strange to read those words after Koutarou's funeral. Akaashi lowered the sheets, slightly ruined after being in his hands so many times, and wept all the tears he still had inside him. He had read them dozens of times, but only once after everything had happened. They had a totally different effect and if they hadn't been written by his lover he would probably have thrown them away, burned them, tried to forget them. The letter continued with the description of their first time, their first trip, and ended with a "See you soon, I love you" that sounded more bitter to Akaashi than anything else in the world._

_Keiji thought it all ended too soon. He didn't know if he'd ever really accept it, but he definitely needed time. Koutarou was a sportsman, nobody thought he'd have that kind of trouble._

_It had happened instead. Quickly, like a stab wound, he was gone. Keiji had screamed and cried like never before, he refused to eat for days. Everything seemed different._

_He closed the sheets and put them on the bedside table in their room, unable to go on reading._


End file.
